| A group of high-school kids, who are infused with unique superpowers, harness their abilities in order to save the world.
Warning: this review occasionally contains strong language, which may be unsuitable for children or “adults” who are easily triggered. Plus I’m aware I am being totally unprofessional, but with movies like this piece of shit I really don’t care.
The awful (and Japanese rip-off) 90’s TV show for kids gets it’s newly awful movie reboot. This is a perfect example of a film that has no idea what it’s trying to be. It’s too self serious to appeal to a younger audience yet too corny and in your face to appeal to an older audience either. Once you get past the opening gag in which one character tells about accidentally masturbating a cow (I’m not even fucking joking…), the first act starts off actually “decent”… until it never fucking ends.
The result is a film about heroes in rainbow leotards who battle giant monsters with robot dinosaurs in which an hour and 34 fucking minutes pass (I marked it) before those heroes actually get into their hero costumes and fight a bad guy. What’s less readily explicable still – and arguably even sadistic – is the way the film keeps pretending they’re about to, before ploughing its heroes into another cycle of wrestling with Real Life Teenage Issues like sexting… (Yup I’m still not joking) and training at the behest of their Great Oz-like mentor Zordon played by Bryan Cranston and Alpha 5, his annoying as shit Bill Hader-voiced robot sidekick.
And it gets worse, because what is unique is the winking shamelessness of an extended (and probably the worst product placement in the history of film) for Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, that even appears during a pivotal plot point. It is so unsubtle that it almost plays like a parody of the technique. They made Michael Bay so proud with that. And the script (holy shit that fucking script) which reads like a first “vomit mixed with diarrhea” draft, with stiff dialogue and incredibly rigid structure, it comes off so fake and cheesy and it’s simply so incredibly atrocious that you just want to rip your fucking eyes off.
Eventually after all the atrociousness, one line goes “Are we Power Rangers, or are we friends?” and I completely lost it in the theater.
The characters (aka cardboard cutouts from every other teenage coming of age movie ever made) are just as one-dimensional and repetitive as you thought they would be. It’s of course so “believable” that a movie is trying to be relatable by showing a middle-class and obviously attractive teenage girl being cyberbullied. Seriously, every single one of the power rangers has a sob story of their own.
But the film’s most blatant camp comes from Banks’ colourfully arch performance as the mighty sorceress Rita Repulsa, a former Power Ranger who wants the crystal for herself. Sarcastic and haughty, Rita walks through the film as if she knows that Power Rangers is a third/fourth/fifth etc.-rate Hollywood product, deciding that she might as well have a little fun.
So yeah, to round up this beautiful review….
‘Power Rangers’ gets a 4.5/10.
(PS. I was honestly tempted to break the barrier for a lower rating)
Shot on 35's Rating Sheet: 9.5 – 10.0: Excellent! 8.5 – 9.5: Fantastic, but with minor flaws 7.5 – 8.5: Great, but with issues 6.5 – 7.5: Okay, but with major issues 5.5 – 6.5: Had potential, but falls flat hard. 4.5 – 5.5: Disaster!
Follow me on Twitter for more random movie, comics & sports stuff here.
You can also follow my Letterboxd account to see my movie activity here.